Almost every interpersonal conflict follows the same pattern of escalation. Once you are familiar with that pattern, it's easier to understand how you might be escalating the conflict and the steps you can take to defuse it. 

I am a licensed clinical social worker, trauma clinician, and business consultant. I've been studying and helping people resolve interpersonal and organizational conflicts for more than 25 years. When you're in the midst of conflict, it can feel like an emotionally layered mountain of confusion. But every conflict follows a similar pattern, regardless of the topic or people involved. When you know that pattern, you can disrupt it and move the conversation in a new direction.

A conversation is like a tennis match.

In a typical exchange, a conversation goes back and forth as those involved alternate between speaking and listening. It is similar to a tennis match and takes just as many forms. The match could be a friendly volley, in which points don't matter because both parties are interested in connecting, collaborating, and learning from each other. Or it might be a fast, aggressive, competitive game in which winning is the point.

As is true when we play tennis, the only person we can control when we engage in a conversation is ourselves. We determine our intentions and choose how we communicate and respond to the other person. The other person's intentions, how they receive us, and what they do with the information we share is out of our control.

For the most part, if the other person is speaking respectfully to us and is willing to be open and listen to what we have to say, then we are usually capable of listening to their point of view, even if it is opposed to our way of thinking. Most of us feel comfortable engaging in an interaction that involves exchanging ideas and everyone feels heard, even if we disagree.

Interactions that escalate into conflict follow the same pattern.

We must be able to talk about important topics and express our differences of opinion. It's crucial to interacting, relationships, innovation, and learning. It's also how we expand our thinking and grow as people. And while differing opinions can be the reason an interaction cascades into an intense conflict, it is not the primary one.

The factors that contribute most to the disintegration of a healthy exchange are related more to how each person conducts themself than the point each person tries to make.

Each person engaged in the conversation chooses how to respond to the other. Conversations escalate into conflict when those involved respond reactively. For example:

• You choose to react negatively to how the other person is speaking to you. Your reaction leads the other person to choose a defensive response, and the conversation quickly escalates into a conflict.
• You choose to tell the other person that you are having an adverse reaction to the conversation. They choose to get defensive, and you choose to respond out of frustration, and the conversation quickly escalates into a conflict.
• You choose to ask the other person to acknowledge your feelings or to take responsibility. They choose to explain or what seems like to justify their behavior instead. In response, you choose to disregard their words and become more agitated. They then choose to respond out of frustration, and the conversation quickly escalates into a conflict. 

The cyclical pattern is clear: each person reacts to the other's reaction instead of pausing, getting curious, and seeking to understand their point of view. 

When neither party chooses to understand the other's perspective or when both react instead of communicating what they are experiencing, the conflict cycle intensifies. Trust and mutual respect break down quickly, immediately, when we are not interested in each other's experiences or perspectives, and then the conflict continues to ramp up. Resolution becomes impossible. 

Use the power of choice to defuse conflict. 

Although you cannot control how the other person responds to you, you can choose how you initiate, continue, and conclude an interaction. Here are the choices you can make to defuse a conflict in any setting:

• You choose to tell the other person that you are having an adverse reaction to the conversation. They choose to let you know that they appreciate your feedback, and the conversation gets back on track.
• You choose to tell the other person that you are having an adverse reaction to the conversation. They choose to get defensive. Instead of getting frustrated, you choose to stay calm and continue to communicate clearly and respectfully.
• When you start to feel frustrated, you choose to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps they didn't realize how they speak to you feels disrespectful or upsetting.
• When the other person chooses to escalate the conflict, you choose to back away from your desire to win and instead seek to understand what is causing their reaction by sharing your observation and asking what has upset them. If they choose to continue to escalate the conflict, you can choose to leave the conversation.
• When the other person chooses to share what has upset them, you choose to take a deep breath, acknowledge their experience, and own your part by taking responsibility for your misstep, even if it was unintentional.

To defuse the conflict, you must acknowledge the other person's experience and treat them with compassion. Never minimize or disregard it, even if you don't fully understand it. Otherwise, the conflict cycle might continue endlessly.

To make the best choice, focus on what matters most.

We can always choose to invest in being right, making our point, or winning the argument. We can choose to become the loudest person in the room so everyone hears what we want and need to say. But winning doesn't matter if you never resolve the conflict. And the conflict will never be resolved if you are focused on winning, because the other person will not hear your message, no matter how important it is to you or how loud or aggressive you become.

Defusing conflict is only possible when you adopt a relational mindset and shift your focus from yourself and your desire to be right to the relationship and your collective desire to resolve the conflict.  

To adopt a relational mindset, you must embrace two core beliefs:

1. The other person's experience matters. You must care about their feelings and opinions because a conflict will be resolved only when both individuals feel heard.
2. The bigger picture matters. You must care about something bigger than yourself, whether it's the relationship, the organization, the team, or your family. The bigger picture must matter more to you than being right. For the sake of that bigger picture, you expand your perspective and move toward resolution.

You will have an entirely different conversation and a much better outcome when you take your ego and personal agenda out of your interactions and bring in self-awareness and healthy, practical, and effective communication tools such as those taught in The Communication Protocol, my online program for the workplace.